How I Work

“The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”  -Esther Perel

For years I have pondered this quote and followed Perel’s work, which is rooted in her belief that personal connections give us a deeper sense of happiness, belonging, meaning, and well-being than any other experience.

I, too, believe that the bonds we forge and the connections we share with others give us a greater sense of fulfillment. But how do we obtain and sustain a high-quality, nourishing relationship? I believe we start with ourselves.

‍In other words, the quality of our relationships is determined by the quality of our relationship with ourselves.

Think of your relationship with yourself as being the gold standard for all your relationships, because it is. How you treat yourself inevitably determines how you treat others. For example, people who harshly judge themselves, harshly judge others. People who deny parts of themselves, deny parts of others. People who constantly criticize themselves are quick to criticize others… you get the idea.

It sounds cliche but the best thing you can do for your relationship is to work on loving yourself. This doesn’t mean you aren’t ready to fall in love or have a long-term relationship until you are fully healed. Being fully healed and achieving unwavering self-love is not a prerequisite to true love. In fact, I believe that if you’re in love and committed to doing the work together it makes for a better outcome long term.

Intimate relationships have the ability to both heal us and push us to grow. It is through our relationships, through connection with others, that we discover ourselves. But in order to reap this benefit, we must invest in the relationship and optimize conflict — two acts that support us greatly on our self-love journey, making all of our relationships better.

Think of your relationship as a separate entity — imagine it as a plant you both have to care for. In the beginning you spend a few dollars on seeds and plant them in a few minutes — easy. But to harvest anything or admire its beauty, you have to give it your time and attention long term. You nurture it up front (water it, make sure it’s getting enough sun) as it grows into a healthy, beautiful plant. But it doesn’t end there, you don’t stop watering it at that point. It requires ongoing maintenance and care (you may even need to prune it eventually, re-pot it into something bigger, or give it some fresh soil). Soon you have a bounty of produce or flowers to enjoy.

Similarly with relationships, you get out what you put in — the more you invest, the bigger the return. Some of us don’t realize this. Many of us think that loving is easy once you find the right person — but that’s not the case. People say they love their partner more than anyone, that their partner is their best friend, but then they treat them worse than anyone. Love is not enough — love is like the seeds you plant in the beginning: necessary but not all it takes. I work with clients to make sure they don’t forget to nurture and maintain their relationship. They’re already in love, committed and content, but together we find ways to improve their relationship and put practices in place for ongoing relationship maintenance to make sure they continue to invest in themselves and each other.

Optimizing conflict is another key to having a high-quality relationship that supports you in improving your relationship with yourself (and therefore all your relationships). People often think conflict is bad, that it’s a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. People in relationships are bound to experience conflict, but conflict doesn’t have to be bad, and it certainly doesn’t have to mean the relationship is bad. Healthy conflict with our partners is one of the biggest opportunities we have for personal growth — it shows us what we need to work on and where we are lacking self-love by triggering us. I specialize in conflict resolution, helping couples see what they need to work on in themselves and offering tools to help break the cycle of recurring fights.

Learning to love ourselves is our life’s work and investing in our relationships supports this journey in a powerful way. It's through our healing that we find our truth. Where we find we are capable of contentment, of being present, of experiencing deep joy, love, and understanding with ourselves and others — where we gain that deeper sense of happiness, belonging, meaning, and well-being. Our ability to love others is proportionate to our ability to love ourselves.