The Truth About Criticism
Let's face it, we've all criticized the person we love most.
"You're so messy! Inconsiderate! Disorganized! Aloof!"
What's interesting about criticism is that, when we criticize, we think it's about the other person. We truly believe it's about them exhibiting a behavior we don't like, and if they would just stop that behavior then everything would be great. This is false.
The truth is, most of our reoccurring criticisms of our partners are actually expressions of our own unmet needs in disguise.
If you don't believe me, try this reflective exercise...
Think of one thing about your partner you're frequently frustrated or bothered by. Maybe they are messy and often leave dishes in the sink, or maybe they're disorganized and you perceive them to be inefficient.
Now, with this specific behavior in mind, try reflecting on the following questions:
What thoughts do I have when my partner acts this way?
How do I feel when my partner acts this way?
What deeper feelings might underlie these thoughts and feelings?
How familiar is this? Have I had this internal experience before? How far does it go back?
By going through this simple analytical process, you turn the focus on your internal experience. It helps illustrate that our thoughts are assigning meaning to our partner's behavior, and our feelings are a reaction to that meaning we've assigned it, which is based on our personal history.
This can help you uncover important information about yourself and how you might be projecting your past onto your partner in the present. (Humans are pattern-seeking animals, we do this automatically).
Let's suppose this exercise helps someone remember that their parents were disorganized—always stressed out, forgetting things, and running late. In this case, it wouldn't be surprising that when their partner acts in a similar manner, they're filled with the same fears they had as a child.
The original criticism of their partner ("you're so disorganized"), therefore, is stemming from a fear from childhood: “Are you there for me? Can I depend on you?” — the criticism is really the need for stability, safety, and support in disguise.
When you feel the urge to criticize your partner, use it as a sign to pause and do some self-reflection. Find the need underneath your criticism, it will lead you to your wounded inner child crying out to you.
